I probably should title this page from Religion to Atheism to Jesus. My childhood was steeped in religion. My family is Mennonite in culture but we attended an extremely dysfunctional Southern Baptist church. I was bred to be a missionary, a soldier for God. I moved out of state to attend a Baptist University (and also to get the hell out of Dodge, literally). As a young adult I became disillusioned with organized religion and it's followers.
There isn't a specific event or situation that lead me into Atheism, it was more like a gradual leaning. Believers had deeply wounded me, kicked me while I was down and bleeding out from emotional wounds. In the space of a couple years, my outlook on life and the supernatural had completely changed. I was convinced that God didn't actually exist. It was all an elaborate sham, meant to control and manipulate people.
I was lonely as an Atheist. However dysfunctional it was, I missed having a community of church people around me. I threw myself into reading Atheism books, following blogs and youtube channels of other people who had escaped the clutches of Religion. One book in particular really inspired me: I Sold My Soul on eBay by Hemant Mehta. His experience opened my eyes to a new way of experiencing a church community....as an Atheist, rather than a member.
A day or two after I finished reading this book, I was at work....wandering around the parking lot on a 15 minute break. I felt a burning need to approach this woman who had just gotten a job there. My introverted self marched up to her and asked her if she was an Atheist. She said, "Funny you ask..." This was the beginning of a beautiful and life-changing friendship. Her background was similar to mine, only she had turned to Paganism. She was currently exploring the Christian God and church again and told me that a local church was about to start a sermon series that would address some major issues that non-believers had with God and the church. I. Was. Stoked.
That next Sunday, I went to church feeling more freedom than ever...because I was attending as an Atheist. I loved the idea of an open dialogue with people who represented the God and the faith that I felt had abandoned me. The series was called Objections. During the service they invited attendees to text their questions to a phone number listed on a screen. At the end of the sermon, a team of pastors would do their best to publicly answer the texted questions. They encouraged people to stay and talk more if they wanted. After one of the services I gathered up every ounce of courage I had and marched myself up to the front of the sanctuary. I grabbed one of the pastors by both arms and blurted out that I was an Atheist, I had no idea what I was doing....but I really wanted to talk to somebody about it. The church had three service times, so I went to church three times every Sunday....for seven weeks. I had long, intense conversations with three of the pastors.
Now, I was not in a healthy place emotionally or mentally...probably not physically either. I was drinking heavily and my eating disorder was completely out of control. One of the pastors wanted to exchange information so that we could keep in touch, and I could barely write my name because my hand was shaking so badly. I was completely open with them about my eating disorder, substance abuse and history of sexual abuse. They urged me to meet with a counselor on staff. I met this pastor's wife...and started attending their community group. I loved that they never once ran away from my questions, or my personal darkness. Never once, was I pressured to believe what they believed, talk how they talked, or act how they acted. They were all so genuine and real...it was refreshing.
During one of our "objections series conversations" Jeff (the pastor I talked to the most), asked me what it would take to convince me that God was actually real. My answer: a dream. Dreams are authentic and intimate for me, and they are untouched by any other human. So Jeff said he was going to ask God to give me a dream...and he wanted to pray. Right then, out loud. *cringe* I awkwardly watched and listened while he prayed and asked God to reveal himself to me through a dream. That night, I had a dream. It was vivid and it was specific. A dream really was all it took to convince me that a supernatural being not only existed, but was willing to communicate with me.
That was two years ago. I didn't immediately become a Christian or even believe that Jesus was real or the Bible legitimate. There wasn't any specific conversion experience. Organized religion is still difficult to swallow and I have more questions now than I did then. But.....Atheists don't usually communicate with God. So, I'm not an Atheist anymore.
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