Sunday, August 27, 2017

making church safe again

The sky outside is a little too blue, the air too fresh and and the sun is way too sparkly and bright.  I swear, I can smell fried chicken too.  It feels like Sunday out there, people!!  I don't like it!!  My issues and insecurities about church have been bothering me lately.  I know they bother my friends too.  I don't understand where all this comes from because I don't consider myself to have been spiritually abused.  I grew up in a dysfunctional church and my family embraced fundamentalist teachings.....but abuse?!

Nevertheless, I ran to google to find out if I'm the only one that deals with this.  (I'm not)  There's a lot of people out there who struggle with church and are lonely and spiritually un-fed because of it.  Sometimes the things that churches do in order to make people feel welcome are the very things that make some of us flee in terror.  I'm lucky to be in a church that feels somewhat safe.  I feel super weird admitting that I'm even IN a church, but whatever.  

So, what helps?  What makes church a safe place for people like me? 

A safe way in...

Leave one door un-manned by a greeter and give us the option to sneak inside unnoticed.  I haaaate the awkwardness of dealing with church greeters, having the door opened and a bulletin or church advertisement handed to me while I shuffle through and try not to look stupid or trip over my own feet.  My smile is forced and I wouldn't be shocked if I accidentally throw out an F-bomb because I'm nervous and have no idea how to say hello like a normal person.  Pure torture.  There have been times that I've changed my mind about going to church because there's no way to get inside.  Lately, my favorite way to deal with this issue is to arrive insanely early.  Like, the second the doors are unlocked.

A safe way out...

This is HUGE for me.  I need to know that I'm not trapped in an unbearable situation.  The second I walk into a church I'm already planning my escape route. Sometimes, I'll slip out 5 minutes early, hopefully unnoticed.  The feeling of freedom and relief when the outside air hits my lungs and I can walk to my car in silence....is bliss.  Other times, I'll avoid the after-church crowd and just hang out and people watch or talk to one or two trusted friends and then lock up and walk out with them.  It seems a lot of churches will have communion tables set up near the doors.  Whyyy???  At my own church, I purposely go to a service where I know that communion tables will be set up downstairs, but not in the balcony.  I can safely escape without the mass of people taking communion or the awkwardness of choosing to not participate and watching droves of people slowly file past. 

A safe place to sit...

Being at church really does feed my soul.  It's good to hear the music, to hear the teaching.  Sometimes though, old fears and memories will creep in and I'll go through a season where I simply can't bear to sit in a room called a sanctuary, much less participate.  I love finding places to be in church and hear what's going on....without being part of the crowd.  It's dysfunctional and unhealthy, I KNOW.  But at least I'm there, right?  My church has a chair upstairs in the hallway outside the balcony.  I never sit there, but I love the gesture.  Somehow, that chair gave me the freedom to sit on the floor in the hallway.  This has been a thing for me for many years, even as a kid.  I once went to a church that had speakers in the bathrooms.  That was genius!  I could hide in a bathroom stall and listen in absolute privacy.  I've also been to churches that had smaller side rooms close enough to the sanctuary where I could be alone and still hear everything.  

A preview...

I need to know what to expect.  Before going to any new place, I will look for pictures online.  I can scope out my way in, my way out and where I'm gonna sit.  Knowing what to expect when I get there will soothe a lot of anxiety and can make or break my decision to actually go.  A friend of mine has been inviting me to her church recently and was sweet enough to give me a virtual tour with her phone.  How awesome would it be if churches would post things like that on their websites?  Ha!

I also have this weird need to know what the sermon will be about.  For people who have experienced harm through the misuse of scripture or just bad teaching....this is valuable.  Thankfully, I have a gracious pastor who never seems to tire of my weekly text message asking what church is gonna be about that day.  He's aware of my history and my current struggle and I trust him to tell me if a subject will be difficult.  I need spoilers!  All of them!  Knowing the subject beforehand will help me to be mentally present and actually listen with an open heart and mind.

No judgement...

I'm well aware of the verse that talks about forsaking the assembly. I know I should go.  I know.  Church is difficult, not just for me but for a lot of people.  Most people don't talk about why, it's easier to avoid it altogether.  Pray for us.  Love us.  Have coffee with us!  I love Jesus, I really do.  I'm much more apt to show up at church if I have a sense of connection outside of church.  Isn't that what it's all about anyway?  Those 6 days between Sundays where we can put all of the "one another" verses into action and actually experience iron sharpening iron?  For me, authentic friendship with other believers can soften the edges and smooth out the difficulty of facing church.

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making church safe again

The sky outside is a little too blue, the air too fresh and and the sun is way too sparkly and bright.  I swear, I can smell fried chicken t...